Dear Kiddo,

I think a lot about my role as a step parent to you. I've tried to wade into the role cautiously; in part, mirroring your dad's caution in how he invites and expects others to be in your life. I respect him greatly for that, and it ties in with my own reasons for caution. In short, I had a practice run as a step parent a few years ago when I trusted someone waaaaaaaaaay too fast, and that person turned out to have quite a bad habit of deception, among other things. I was reckless not only with my own heart, but as a consequence, the hearts of his children. He was careless and self centered, a deceiver and a manipulator, an insecure and frightened man armed with a powerful elixir of half-truths and lies. He was very hurt and he was broken. And, I fell for the theater of it all, believing it was real. I just couldn't fathom that someone would lie when the hearts of their children were involved.

But, I digress. That's way too much information, and clearly something I still feel guilty about. The point is, I recklessly opened my heart and my eagerness for family, children, and companionship once before this journey began with your dad and you, and everyone got burned. The kids may not think much of me (except one, with , but I continue to think the world of them. So, if it has ever felt or feels like I am distant, please know that it's not because I don't love you. It's out of respect for your dad, your mom, and for you. I don't want to be the "evil stepmother." I don't want to be overbearing. I don't want anyone to think I'm trying to be your mom because you already have one that loves you so deeply. Or your friend for that matter-- as you have plenty of those too. I am altogether something different. We have something altogether different. I am your stepmom. You are my stepdaughter, and I am so completely grateful to be a part of your life. No matter what happens, my love for you as an individual stands alone. It is not contingent upon how your dad and I are doing, nor does it change now that your little brother is here. I am invested in you, and I care deeply about your journey and how your life unfolds.

I love you tons. I love our family tons. Life is good passing go with you and I think I need to write more to you. I need to write to you as much as I think about you. In my mind, you get just as many of my soapbox rants as Critter, but I have yet to torment you with my endless ramblings. I'll work on that.

Love,
me