Auntie Hatchetface's Guidelines for Sex

My Dear Littles, Tinies, Monsters, Kiddos, and Critter,

I've seen all kinds of blogs addressed to parents of boys and parents of girls, separately, about sex. Many of those articles and blogs have been excellent in my little opinion, but I don't like the division. To me, it seems like if we want to erase these double standards, we need to address everyone with the same guidelines. So, that's what I'm doing.

I'm pretty sure we can all safely assume that some day you are going to want to have sex at least once. Yes, I know, it's a very long way off, but what the hell. This is a big soapbox of mine, and what if I kick the bucket today or tomorrow? How else will I haunt you (it is the season, after all) with all my opiniony opinions and pearly pearls of wisdom, for what they're worth? So here you go...

1. Sex can be super wonderful and fantastic and can brighten up your day and your relationship.

2. Sex can be super anxiety, fear, and depression inducing and can absolutely ruin your day, your relationship, your health, and even kill you. Yes, sex, in a sense, can kill you if you're not careful. See #16. Not joking, my loves, which brings us to #3....

3. For all the potential joy and misery and excitement and every other emotion that can come with it, sex is a BIG responsibility both physically and emotionally, so do your best to be ready for it.

4. Sex with the opposite sex is how babies are made. If you're reading this and you...
   a. Still live with your parents
   b. You don't have a decent job with benefits
   c. You're still in school
   d. You don't have a really solid, supportive partner and community
  ...then you're not ready for babies, and your life will be flipped upside down, backwards, and sideways if you end up with one. And that's true even when you are ready!

Are you feeling awkward yet? That's ok because...

5. Sex, too, can be awkward.

6. But the awkwardness doesn't have to bother you if you RESPECT each other and keep your sense of humor.

My personal point of view, you ask? Why, of course! Let me just raise my soapbox a little higher.... A sense of humor can improve just about everything in life. It's like bacon and/or whipped cream. A little goes a long way, and it goes with everything.

But back to that respect note...

7. Manipulation, coercion, guilt, or force of ANY kind is toxic and unacceptable. Part of respect is knowing, remembering, and behaving according to your body being yours and theirs being theirs. You get to determine when you say "yes," what you say "yes" to, when you say "no," what you say "no" to, and so does your partner. For that matter, you also get to change your mind at any point. Just remember, the NO always gets the benefit of the doubt and anything that isn't a crystal clear YES should be interpreted as a NO. Blueballs isn't deadly, and neither is whatever the female version might be called. And, besides, see #20.

8. Sharing your body--whether it's holding hands, snuggling, kissing, heavy petting, or any kind of sex--is a gift. It should be as much a joy to give as to receive.

9. The idea that "if I don't do it now, I'll lose him/her" or "I'll never get another chance" is bullshit. If you'd lose that person for NOT having sex, then that person is an asshole, wasn't going to stick around anyway, and you deserve better. Refer back to #7.

10. Just because you have sex once, twice, three times, or 693, that doesn't mean you have to have it again. Again, refer back to #7: your body is YOURS.

11. A little rule of thumb on honesty and cheating in an exclusive relationship, since some people seem to have different perspectives: If you wouldn't do it with a blood-related family member, it's probably cheating.

12. Also on cheating: if something's not right in the relationship, work on it or break it off. I don't care what other people do or don't do. Don't tarnish your own integrity with lies, betrayal, and deceit. Don't be an asshole.

13. Know that at some point, your heart will get broken. It might be because you fell for someone who doesn't live or play according to the same guidelines, or it might just be you weren't quite the right match or you grew apart. Either way, your heart will heal and get put softly back together if you allow it to. It might just look and beat a little differently along the way.

14. Communicate. You don't just take gifts and you don't insist that others receive them. You wait for the invitation to the party, so to speak. I know I'm getting (even more) repetitive here, but see #8.

15. Wrap it up. Remember #3? Well, if you're going to choose to have sex, USE A CONDOM. Like I said, sex is a responsibility, and you're not only risking YOUR life and health, but the life and health of your partner, which also goes back to the respect thing. I don't care if she says she's on the pill, or if he says he's infertile, or if anyone says "I'm clean. I've been tested" or "I've never done this before." Until you're certain (about them AND you), wrap. that. shit. up. Oh, and if you're too shy/embarrassed/etc to buy, have, use, or even talk about using a condom and the risk of STIs, then you're not ready for the responsibility, emotional or physical.

16. Get tested for STIs. Have your partner get tested for STIs, especially if you're considering riding bareback. Even with testing, though, not everything will always show up, even if you or your partner is carrying it. Some things never show up. Other things might not show up until months or even years after someone gets it. Some STIs are treatable, some are curable, some your immune system will flush out on its own, and some are life threatening. So, my little loves, you have a universe of information at your fingertips. Get informed and try not to freak out too much about stuff. Not every STI is created equal. In the meantime, see #14.

17. Rape jokes aren't funny. Ever. Neither are stories about coercion or someone being "so fucked up...," because those are also glorifying rape and exploitation. Whoever is telling them might actually just have a horrible sense of humor and they would never actually do such a thing as take advantage of another person's vulnerability. If that's the case they need to wise up and shut up. Or, they could be an asshole who would and does do such things, in which case they also need to wise up, shut up, and possibly be locked up. I hope, when faced with such an opportunity, you will have the courage to tell them so, even if you feel like the only one, and even if the person gets defensive. Speak up and act in defense of cruelty and exploitation. I have the same hope for you when it comes to being confronted, in any way, with all or any of the 'isms and/or bullying. Passive bystanders are often mistaken for supporters of atrocity, and it is by such inaction that atrocity thrives.

18. Virgin isn't a bad word or a bad status. A person's sexual activity or lack there of is their business, which also means if someone has a lot of sex or quits having sex or starts having sex or has sex with males or females, that's their business too. *This all assumes all consenting partners are within an appropriate age range of one another. If not, it's a WHOLE different story.

19. The double standards between men and women are bullshit. NUMBER SEVEN. Your body = yours. Their body = theirs. Respect, explore, and have fun. Just don't be an asshole.

20. Masturbation. Everyone does it. Just don't do it in public or at school/work, okay?

21. You will make mistakes. You will hurt others and you will also be hurt by others. Just do your best to learn from mistakes and try to minimize the hurt by being honest and accountable. 

Obviously, I'm assuming that by the time you read this, if ever, you will already have a base knowledge of sex and you will already be well into developing your own moral compass. So, maybe I should've just left it at this:

Sex and love can be complicated. Get informed. Don't be an asshole. Be a good person. Question. Communicate. Share, respect, have fun, and keep your integrity in tact.

motherhood, 8ish weeks

Sleep is amazing, and elusive these days. That said, the last 2 nights you've had 4 hour chunks of sleep, which means I'VE had 4 hour chunks of sleep, which means all of us are crying a little less. Thank you, Critter. Lets make this a starting point with minimal backsliding, shall we?

And (another day later) you actually slept what could be considered AN ENTIRE NIGHT! Amazing how the spirits are lifted and how much better stress is managed when the body and brain have had an opportunity to reboot and decompress. Sunshine says you went to bed at 9 last night, and this morning you let me sleep until 5! Thank you, Critter. Let's hope we've really turned a corner here, unless you want me to lose all my hair and have a sleep-deprivation induced psychotic break before you're even 3 months old. The only challenging thing about last night and actually sleeping? I woke up with a soaked shirt. Your midnight snacks were spilling everywhere!

I wonder if having sworn off gluten has been the trick to your more peaceful nature. It wouldn't surprise me, but I will admit that while I'm eating more veggies again, I do miss that full, sedated feeling that shitty, gluten-packed food induces.  Sigh. Life is bigger than a pile of biscuits and gravy, right?

Also and by the way, in my sleep-deprived, anxious state of going back to work and having to leave you for the first time since you were born, I broke my foot. Yup. Damn I'm smooth (maybe you'll get the Beavis and Butthead reference later, assuming, you know, you're cultured and all). I ate it on your grandmother's front step, luckily AFTER I'd already set you down. So, now, almost 2 weeks later, I'm hobbling around, but grateful it doesn't seem like a bad enough break to need a doctor. We're guessing hairline fracture, but so far I'm too stubborn to see a doctor. Wah-wah.

Speaking of going back to work, I miss you. I'm lucky enough to love my job-- and I have a small soapbox, or perhaps a few pearls of experience-earned wisdom to share along those lines too-- but I still miss you. I drop you off with your daycare at "Grandma Linda's" house, and I trust you're in very good hands, especially considering that's who took care of your sister when she was a baby too; but I'll say it again. I MISS YOU. Not being home with the family, at least in the evenings is tough.

As I drive to work, I glance in the rear view and expect to see you there. Instead I see an empty car seat base. Then, driving home from work, there's an all together different kind of lonely feeling. I was already 6 months along with you when they hired me (and THANK GOODNESS they did!), so every night I drove home, you and I would have a little dance party along the way. You were most active at that point, so I can only imagine the slick moves you were throwing around in there. Rides home these days, I still have our little dance party with you in mind while you chill with your dad and sissy, and/or toot and coo and giggle peacefully in your sleep. At least, that's how I like to imagine it. According to your sweet father, things might go a little differently many evenings, but that's his story to tell.

And I'll end with that note, as you really are swaying peacefully in your swing and as I look forward to a fulfilling, good day at work and to a great weekend with you and the family. I love you, my little red Critter.