Despite a mind racing with seemingly a zillion thoughts, it's been way too long since I've written, so here goes now....
Twelve weeks and 2 days, our critter is growing and I'm happy to say the center around which I've based all my thoughts about life and death has, quite reasonably, shifted. Notions of being perfectly content to drop dead at any given second have been replaced by thoughts of healthy partnership along with deep and resounding notions of motherhood, knowing that I am no longer responsible for just myself. I am now responsible for myself, as it relates to my kid.... "Ladies and gentlemen, please secure your own oxygen mask before securing that of your child...." Self care takes on new dimensions as I think about what kind of life and values I'm going to model and teach. Job, career, stability, friends, family.... all of these things have taken on new dimensions and even greater importance.
That being said, since this blog isn't about just happy fun rainbow marshmallow cloud glitter time, it's been a rough first few months. Based on previous posts, you likely realize that depression is something I've worked with a lot in the past year-- and now is no exception. Besides being hungry and tired ALL THE TIME, that pesky depression has been largely unrelenting in the last few weeks. It does, however, seem to be easing up a little now. With mixed up hormones, a year in which life seemed to crumble in an instant and then slowly find itself rebuilding, a slow start at work, tragedy maintaining around the world, misunderstandings, closed doors, and my own hobgoblins and ghosts scratching at the walls of my mind, I've kind of felt like I'm treading emotional water... struggling to tap into the giddy it seems like I used to feel so readily. I've worried that this depression might impact the little one's development, right alongside other relationships that are strained by inaccessible joy.... But, like I said, it's easing up a bit. Maybe it's because I'm coming out of the initial hormonal surges of the first trimester, or maybe it's just a refusal to be sunk by hobgoblins, ghosts, and wonky brain chemistry. Like I said, self care has taken on a whole new dimension, so I've been trying to be even more mindful of eating well, maintaining exercise, and participating in things that inspire variety, movement, connections, laughter, and meaning-- the biggest one so far has been a return to capoeira. I could go on and on about that, and maybe I will in another entry, but for now I'll leave it alone.... One very important element in all of this also can't be understated: my Sunshine is a remarkably supportive and amazing companion and partner. Damn. I feel so lucky and I can't help but smile and get a little misty-eyed (Yup. I'm a crier) as I write this. So THIS is what mutual respect, support, trust, and safety look like in a relationship...
Critter, you're barely the size of a plum right now, but I can't wait to meet you and introduce you to as much of the good world as I know it. I have to say, I think you're getting a remarkable start that not all people get. Maybe that's the makings of a couple of the fundamental values I hope you embrace: understanding and humility, but that's a soapbox I'm sure you'll see a lot of as you grow up.... So, as I was about to say... your dad is a wonderful man and he's every bit as excited as I am to meet you. You're being born into a family with a loving dad and an awesome big sister who is going to teach you, inspire you, annoy you (just because that's what siblings inevitably do. You'll no doubt annoy her too) as well as LOVE the hell out of you. She also has her own big sister who I'm sure you'll get to know and love. Suffice it to say, kid, you're being born into a great big immediate and extended family of all kinds of friends and relatives, both near and far.... My hope and my expectation is that you will be raised by the proverbial village, and your village is alive with all kinds of beauty and imperfect perfection.
I can't wait to know you, child. Words can't even come close to expressing how excited I am to see the individual you become... to see you discover and invent and reinvent yourself over the years of your life... to see you learn and grow and experience and absorb and interpret life. I can only imagine the music your laughter will be for me, and I wish I could warn you about and protect you from the things that hurt like hell, as I also can only imagine the daggers your tears will feel like; but some things you're going to run into and learn for yourself no matter what anyone says or does. If you let them, the hard things build character and empathy and integrity and wisdom; and without sadness, you can't truly experience happiness. I just hope with every ounce of my humble being that life doesn't give you more than your fair share of pain, whatever that means....
There are probably a million other juxtapositions and seeming contradictions and nuanced life lessons I wish your village and I could equip you with before you set out into the world, but I imagine those are tools obtained mostly through mindful experience, so I'll finish with this for now: I love you. I can't protect you from all pain any more than I can introduce you to all joy, but always know that before I've even met you, I already love you more than anything or anyone I've ever known and that will never change. Throughout the entire spectrum of things you find in life, you will ALWAYS carry my heart, and I will go to the very edges of the universe to help you be your very best you and to remind you that you are and always will be LOVED.
Today, and for the rest of my life, I will pass go with a new consciousness.
