Dear Critter, 

I still think about death a lot. I think about it and I feel like I also don't write you nearly enough. I think about it and I realize that if I were to die at this stage in your life, you'd never know your mother and I'd want your sister to have words from my heart too. You might always have unanswered questions. You might always feel robbed of something, and I hope you never have to feel that way. Maybe writing you will help.

As soon as we found out you were on your way, my days no longer belonged to me. My life has since only belonged to you. What is left of my days, weeks, years, and probable decades is all yours; which isn't to say that you are my only reason for living. I know from experience that that's way too much unnecessary pressure. You just bring a brighter light to all the other reasons to live. You make everything shiny and new again, and I want to live life to the fullest in the hopes that you, too, will grow up enjoying and loving life. I want you to grow up knowing that there's a lot of shit in the world, and that beautiful gardens can grow out of it. 

It's funny. Every time I try to write you and your sister I get tongue tied. I want so much for your happiness, but I also know that there's no knowing real joy without knowing sadness, no growth without some pain, no learning without mistakes. As mentioned before, I just hope life doesn't give you guys an unfair share of pain... and if it does, I hope you find your way to minimize it, living and loving and feeling joy in spite of it all. 

I also hope you grow to understand the privileges you've been born with in an imbalanced social system. I hope understanding your privilege--which isn't to say you don't also work hard for who you are and what you have--softens your heart and solidifies your resolve to advocate and sacrifice for the greater good. The greater good can't grow if all individuals only look out for their small pocket of personal comfort and welfare. 

There's just so much to say.... So much to share.... So much to hope.... So much to show you.... And also so much from which I'd like to protect you. There's far more good-- or at least good intentions-- in the world than bad or evil, but that's easy to forget. 

I love you so crazy much, my little Critter. In a million years I could never express how much. I love you, your sister, your dad. Each love is different, and I'm so grateful for it all.

Love,
Mama