Bless their hearts: Today's super grumpy rant

Bless their hearts, I hate it when people--even people I love DEARLY--tell me how great it is that I have all this free time on my hands right now to just take care of myself and relax before the baby comes. No. I know I sound like a totally ungrateful grumpy pants, and I am in fact trying to continue to make the most of my time, but I have to bite my tongue every time someone tells me something along those lines. I fucking HATE being unemployed and beyond broke and wondering how shit's going to get paid. In fact, the first bounced check just happened. Fucking great. Let's hope our sad little unemployment insurance system hurries up and gets that check in the mail. I've been investing in this system since I was barely 16, is it too much to ask for a few pennies now?!

First, and probably most importantly, I love even the notion of working. It makes me feel good to know that I'm earning a living and/or doing something meaningful in this world (even volunteering). I feel worthless without a job. Worthless is not relaxing. Vacation would be relaxing. Retirement with a nest egg would be relaxing. This is not vacation nor is it retirement. People feel good in those scenarios because they are earned breaks and because financial bases and stability are still covered. I'd venture a solid guess that if someone were to start their vacation or retirement only to find out they were actually laid off and/or their bank account was drained, that time off would take on a whole new vibe.

Second, I love my career. All jobs are going to stress us out at some point and we're going to want to take breaks, but in general, I have found myself in a much better mood upon GOING to work rather than staying home.

Third, I'm pretty low maintenance and I enjoy plenty of bargain and/or free thrills, but there's only so much one can do to "relax" without going completely stir crazy when one does not have a fucking dime to spend on pleasure or recreation (can't even buy a cup of coffee with a friend without feeling guilty) and one is trying not to burn up gasoline ('cause that shit is expensive!), not to mention the looming and incoming bills.

Fourth, "oh, well there you go! You get to take care of the house, and make good dinners...." Yes, the house is relatively more tidy, and I like that. I have also always liked to cook, but there's a reason I'm not a chef. I enjoy cooking as a hobby. For fun. Not for obligation, let alone one of my only real responsibilities or obligations.

And then there's the response after I had my one and only interview: "It went well? Oh good, you're sure to get it! Don't worry." Um, no. Thanks for the vote of confidence, but the job market blows and plenty of people interview well who have lots of experience and would likely be just as, if not more, perfectly suited for any job for which I also apply, so quit blowing smoke up my ass. I'm not going to celebrate a good interview. I'm going to celebrate when that interview actually leads, undoubtedly, to a secure and stable paycheck and benefits. What's wrong with just saying simply, "Sounds like it went well, so that's good. I hope you get it!" Then I can respond with an honest, "Thanks, me too!" instead of having to politely stifle a desire to choke the very well-intentioned person I love.

For so many reasons, I find myself entirely uncomfortable, angry, stressed, and depressed without a job. I wish people would quit telling me how great it should be just because they, themselves, want a break from the rushing highways of their own lives. Maybe next they can tell people who are in prison how happy they should be because they have so much time for reflection and working out since all their basic needs are covered. Ok, that's taking it a little far, I know, but still.... I'm surrounded by all the batches of proverbial lemonade I've made for the last month, I'm starting to run out of sugar, and people are still telling me to make lemonade.

I'm not disabled. I'm not a parent yet. I'm perfectly capable and motivated to work--paid or volunteer-- so there's no reason I should shift my priorities from that goal yet.

gardening trial, error, soap, peppermint, and dirt hugs

Today I interviewed, took a nap, dabbled in despondency (because I won't know for another week or two if I got the job), and then got back up off my ass and played in the dirt. I gave all my little plants a nice dirt hug, and I feel much better now. Here's how the garden is looking:

 As you can see, it's actually GROWING, although I did do some rearranging after giving up on some seeds: lettuce, onions, and tomatoes. I have also declared a soap and peppermint solution war on the critters eating my future food. Next lines of attack will be corn meal and beer dishes, respectively. What's growing: 3 different types of squash, as well as chard, eggplant, green beans, cucumber, snow peas, carrot/radish mix, okra, hot peppers, tomatillos, tomato transplants, herb transplants, strawberry transplants.

Future Serrano pepper.

Jalepeno plant coming back to life with a couple of flowers. (Anybody know how to get a tilde on the 'n' in jalepeno?)

Radishes and Carrots. I got to pluck the first radish yesterday and it was quite tasty!

I love passing go in the dirt. Although, I do wonder if I might be a bit of a weirdo: I hate thinning and discarding the overcrowded seedlings. There's got to be some sort of existential hangup in there...

still here...

Being unemployed, you'd think I'd have a lot of free time on my hands... and you'd be mostly right, actually. As a person who prides herself on work ethic and on having made enough wrong turns to have finally found the career path that resonates deep in her being, the last few weeks have just plain sucked in some pretty fundamental ways.

Not that I haven't found meaningful activity to keep me from ruminating on my current feelings of financial and occupational worthlessness. I've applied for countless freaking positions in various agencies-- some of which have even kindly emailed me back to tell me to touch base in a few months when they might have positions open. I've sent out feelers for volunteer work and spent time nurturing neglected friendships. I've written thank you notes (Mom would be so proud). I've cooked, cleaned, exercised, and spent more time with the dogs. I've scooped poop, mowed the lawn, and sprayed the garden with peppermint solution. I've maintained an early morning wake-up to maintain a sense of purpose and structure to each day.... and it's all worked pretty well to keep passing go in the most positive way possible.

And, now that some uncomfortable stillness is starting to set in and the hobgoblins are finding space to invade, I'm grateful and super anxious to have finally been invited to interview for a decent position. I interview tomorrow, 23 1/2 weeks pregnant, with an almost maxed out credit card and scraps in the bank. Hey, no pressure, right? As I try to practice what I preach about finding a way to balance, I wish I could say I'm ok with stillness and I wish I could tell you I don't need to keep spinning in order to keep from falling down right now, but I can't. I consider stillness and the emotional time and space to have a break down to be luxuries to be earned. If I indulged sadness and insecurity right now, I'd only feel worse. So, for right now, rather than drown in self-pity or complacency, I'll "just keep swimming," finding productivity and meaning in various activities, ideas, and connections.

This is a morning picture at 23 weeks. By afternoon and evening, I feel like I'm twice this size!

Whoa, belly! At a car show the afternoon of the following day. Yup. Either it's a Critter or I need to lay off the burritos.

In other news, Critter is a BOY and I finally started feeling him kick and wriggle around last week. An anterior placenta has prevented me from feeling any earlier flutters, but I can't get enough of it now. I don't get to feel him a lot, but every little jab is such a treat that I can hardly resist poking and mashing on him just to rile him up!

I've also decided on a theme for his room-- and I'm not even usually a big fan of "themes." I usually like things to be rather quirky and hodgepodge, but I can't resist decorating Critter's room in a Dr. Seuss/library theme. Kids' books have held a special place in my heart for a very long time, perhaps starting with the crusty, threadbare Seuss books from my childhood that my mom still has on her shelf at home.... until I snag them for Critter's room. Sunshine, who has an admirable (and, honestly, sexy) knack for building just about anything is also intrigued by DIY plans for building our own intentionally cattywampus and colorful Seuss-style bookshelves. So excited!