friday night musings

Serendipity or fate? Who cares. I hesitate to get too excited, based on my history of excitement over what turned out to be glossy, shiny turd, but everything is lining up, I think. Work, love, community, family.... Values and life are looking at each other and making connections across the bar. Maybe they're even getting to know each other a little better, and finding a way to trust each other's intentions and devotion.

You see, there's a genetic predisposition for depression in my family, but life is lining up and I find myself universally, overwhelmingly grateful. But wait... there's something odd in my thinking. Things are amazing, I'm up to my eyeballs in gratitude, BUT I could call it quits now. Things are great and I have to keep myself from looking at the inevitable drop-- the what-ifs and the whens of life going to hell.... but it never really does. No matter what's happened or how devastated I've been, there's always been something onto which to hold tight, and I imagine there always will be. There will always be floaties to keep us from sinking if we just choose to see them. Even anger-- as uncomfortable as it may be-- is a powerful buoy and mechanism for change and good life. So, why do I fear the drop off, knowing that floating/flying will always be as much if not more of an eventuality as the drop? Oh well. I'll blame Dad's side of the family and a chemical imbalance.

Other thoughts for the day that seem to escape me as soon as I have them: fuck. I lost them again.... but they were profound, I swear! Well, maybe. In making that determination, I'll leave it up to you right now and to future me when I come back to read this and cringe. Oh! There they are: One of them was about my mom... and that's all I got for that one. I just deleted everything because none of it sounded like the world of thought in my wee noggin. The other went something like this: It takes work to keep humanity, tenderness, and understanding in mind. It's easier and more destructive to dehumanize and hate, just like it's easier to be lazy and deceitful than active and honorable. Monsters are created, not born.... It takes insight and a fuck of a lot of work to maintain humanity through trauma and pain. People in pain lash out.... A book I read years ago, Empire Falls, comes to mind for some reason. I might need to read it again, as I don't think I understood or appreciated all it had to say when I originally read it.

So, those are my thoughts for the day. Tomorrow, I will wake up, go for an ass kicker of a run with my sweetheart (complete with cartwheels, crabwalks, pushups, and whatever other torturous shenanigans we can throw in there at each mile marker), have a belated birthday beverage with and for him, dance a little, laugh a lot, and keep passing go. Life is good and laughing's my favorite. Goodnight world.

suicide and giving away power

We all hear of people--and maybe you're one of them--who talk about eating shitty food and smoking and drinking and not exercising because they say they'd rather live a short life enjoying these things and being stationary than live a long life of movement and exercise without them. It's a compelling argument, I'll agree, (and I am certainly not without my own vices!) but also an incomplete one. As far as I'm concerned, how long you live is beside the point. The real point is that neglecting our health means we could potentially live just as long, but with far more discomfort. Both my grandmothers and my paternal grandfather serve as prime examples. We're not just taking years off our life so that we just all of a sudden blissfully croak 15 years before we would have otherwise. We're poisoning ourselves, so that our bodies won't function. In neglecting our health, we're living a half life. We're living a debilitated life. We're choosing to live in discomfort, relying more on largely unnecessary medications* than preventative care (i.e. taking actual care of our bodies). Neglecting our wellness isn't just taking life for granted. It's taking our physical AND emotional comfort for granted. Yes. Our lifestyle choices DO, in fact, have an impact on our emotional wellness in various ways. Body and mind: connected, ya'll.


*For the record, I DO believe in the need for medications in some contexts! My point is that we are seriously and pitifully overmedicated for ailments which are largely preventable through lifestyle choices. 


Along these lines, it's not just about us not taking care of ourselves. I also think of people I've known who've attempted suicide. What happens when it's a failed attempt? What happens when the overdose only serves to cripple them, but not kill them? Then, they are at the mercy of the hospitals, which, as we've already discussed, will keep us alive indefinitely. In taking life for granted, they've ultimately given up their power and their option to choose life. 


So, what might we say to someone who is actively suicidal and can't even begin to imagine there is still light behind the clouds? How might we empower that person, rather than condescend and patronize and try to control? Show them their power. Show them their options. If they die or become incapacitated, they take away any and all other options. In trying to gain control by taking life, they actually lose control. In their current situation, show them that death is just one of many options, and it will always be available to them. No one can REALLY stop someone who is set on taking their own life, but maybe we can help them take the time to look at all the options... and in taking time and opening their eyes, they might see that light peek through after all. They might realize their own power and hope. 


I say all this because these stories are close to me. Just about everyone with whom I interact on a daily basis has been inundated with suicidal thoughts at one point or another. One person-- who is one of the most candid, sweet, determined people I've ever met-- find herself blinded to all other options, personal strengths, and coping strategies when faced with major life stressors and symptoms of illness. It takes hard work to fight off that blindness, and I've seen her do it, living to see day after day of laughter and connections. I've seen her and many others, against all odds, find their resilience and continue to pass go with gratitude and strength in their hearts. 


Whether the notions of one's imminent death are active and suicidal or passive and manifest themselves in poor lifestyle decisions, it's all connected, emotionally and physically. Eat better. Do better. Feel better. Pass go.