friday night musings

Serendipity or fate? Who cares. I hesitate to get too excited, based on my history of excitement over what turned out to be glossy, shiny turd, but everything is lining up, I think. Work, love, community, family.... Values and life are looking at each other and making connections across the bar. Maybe they're even getting to know each other a little better, and finding a way to trust each other's intentions and devotion.

You see, there's a genetic predisposition for depression in my family, but life is lining up and I find myself universally, overwhelmingly grateful. But wait... there's something odd in my thinking. Things are amazing, I'm up to my eyeballs in gratitude, BUT I could call it quits now. Things are great and I have to keep myself from looking at the inevitable drop-- the what-ifs and the whens of life going to hell.... but it never really does. No matter what's happened or how devastated I've been, there's always been something onto which to hold tight, and I imagine there always will be. There will always be floaties to keep us from sinking if we just choose to see them. Even anger-- as uncomfortable as it may be-- is a powerful buoy and mechanism for change and good life. So, why do I fear the drop off, knowing that floating/flying will always be as much if not more of an eventuality as the drop? Oh well. I'll blame Dad's side of the family and a chemical imbalance.

Other thoughts for the day that seem to escape me as soon as I have them: fuck. I lost them again.... but they were profound, I swear! Well, maybe. In making that determination, I'll leave it up to you right now and to future me when I come back to read this and cringe. Oh! There they are: One of them was about my mom... and that's all I got for that one. I just deleted everything because none of it sounded like the world of thought in my wee noggin. The other went something like this: It takes work to keep humanity, tenderness, and understanding in mind. It's easier and more destructive to dehumanize and hate, just like it's easier to be lazy and deceitful than active and honorable. Monsters are created, not born.... It takes insight and a fuck of a lot of work to maintain humanity through trauma and pain. People in pain lash out.... A book I read years ago, Empire Falls, comes to mind for some reason. I might need to read it again, as I don't think I understood or appreciated all it had to say when I originally read it.

So, those are my thoughts for the day. Tomorrow, I will wake up, go for an ass kicker of a run with my sweetheart (complete with cartwheels, crabwalks, pushups, and whatever other torturous shenanigans we can throw in there at each mile marker), have a belated birthday beverage with and for him, dance a little, laugh a lot, and keep passing go. Life is good and laughing's my favorite. Goodnight world.