still here...

Being unemployed, you'd think I'd have a lot of free time on my hands... and you'd be mostly right, actually. As a person who prides herself on work ethic and on having made enough wrong turns to have finally found the career path that resonates deep in her being, the last few weeks have just plain sucked in some pretty fundamental ways.

Not that I haven't found meaningful activity to keep me from ruminating on my current feelings of financial and occupational worthlessness. I've applied for countless freaking positions in various agencies-- some of which have even kindly emailed me back to tell me to touch base in a few months when they might have positions open. I've sent out feelers for volunteer work and spent time nurturing neglected friendships. I've written thank you notes (Mom would be so proud). I've cooked, cleaned, exercised, and spent more time with the dogs. I've scooped poop, mowed the lawn, and sprayed the garden with peppermint solution. I've maintained an early morning wake-up to maintain a sense of purpose and structure to each day.... and it's all worked pretty well to keep passing go in the most positive way possible.

And, now that some uncomfortable stillness is starting to set in and the hobgoblins are finding space to invade, I'm grateful and super anxious to have finally been invited to interview for a decent position. I interview tomorrow, 23 1/2 weeks pregnant, with an almost maxed out credit card and scraps in the bank. Hey, no pressure, right? As I try to practice what I preach about finding a way to balance, I wish I could say I'm ok with stillness and I wish I could tell you I don't need to keep spinning in order to keep from falling down right now, but I can't. I consider stillness and the emotional time and space to have a break down to be luxuries to be earned. If I indulged sadness and insecurity right now, I'd only feel worse. So, for right now, rather than drown in self-pity or complacency, I'll "just keep swimming," finding productivity and meaning in various activities, ideas, and connections.

This is a morning picture at 23 weeks. By afternoon and evening, I feel like I'm twice this size!

Whoa, belly! At a car show the afternoon of the following day. Yup. Either it's a Critter or I need to lay off the burritos.

In other news, Critter is a BOY and I finally started feeling him kick and wriggle around last week. An anterior placenta has prevented me from feeling any earlier flutters, but I can't get enough of it now. I don't get to feel him a lot, but every little jab is such a treat that I can hardly resist poking and mashing on him just to rile him up!

I've also decided on a theme for his room-- and I'm not even usually a big fan of "themes." I usually like things to be rather quirky and hodgepodge, but I can't resist decorating Critter's room in a Dr. Seuss/library theme. Kids' books have held a special place in my heart for a very long time, perhaps starting with the crusty, threadbare Seuss books from my childhood that my mom still has on her shelf at home.... until I snag them for Critter's room. Sunshine, who has an admirable (and, honestly, sexy) knack for building just about anything is also intrigued by DIY plans for building our own intentionally cattywampus and colorful Seuss-style bookshelves. So excited!