Someday, these posts will slow down again, but for now I'll just keep on spewing my thoughts. You see, my new-ish job (3 months in now) offers very little to do in the way of actual work, so I find myself with lots and lots... and LOTS of free time to read, research, exercise, stretch, FB stalk, think, eat, write, and eat some more. For a while I wanted to make a good showing in case they were checking my internet history, so I mostly stayed offline if it wasn't brief and/or somewhat work related. At this point though, whatever. I'm pretty sure the Bossfolks know that I'm doing everything in my power to scrape this dry barrel for work to do, but there just won't be any unless the partnering doc steps it up.... And I really hope that happens. I LOVE doing what I'm supposed to be doing according to my job description and it is a fundamentally important thing in my values system to feel productive, so I'm going a little nuts bored out of my freaking mind over here.
As a side note, I'm feeling better today and thank goodness for bangs. I just scratched my forehead only to find a dried booger, courtesy of apparently stealthy, loose bats from my nose cave when I washed my face this morning. Nice.
The other day I wrote a long email to a friend who lives out of state. In return, he wrote a long email back. This is one of those friends that you touch base with every few months or so without either side needing a play-by-play of every detail that's going on in your respective lives, and he's a writer, so it's always good, long emails whenever we do correspond. We have a history of exchanging interesting articles and books we've read and movies/documentaries we've seen in addition to the nutshell encapsulation of our lives at any given moment. Ok ok, he actually is the one to send me most of the articles, but I do like reading them, so I'm going to pretend I'm that intellectually savvy. So, as I wrote to him I followed that formula: the nutshell happenings, books, questions and commentary for him about his life.... yadda yadda. And I said very little about being pregnant.
This friend of mine, who has no interest in being around babies or children, kind of felt like I left him hanging. In fact, it occurs to me that a lot of people seem to have forgotten that there's anything else to talk about. It's baby madness! Don't get me wrong, I get it. I wouldn't want people NOT to ask, really, because I appreciate the sentiment and the care and I know I totally do this to other friends and family: How are you feeling? Do you have any names picked out? What is the baby's room going to look like? Are you excited? Don't you just LOVE being pregnant?
And the answers to those questions:
Pretty good, all in all
Yes, for a boy. No for a girl
I have no earthly clue, but I want it to have lots of natural light and books
Of course!
No, not really.
I generally try to redirect when it comes to answering that last question, as I'm pretty sure "no" is the wrong answer. I'm pretty sure my eyes are supposed to twinkle, I'm supposed to smile like there's Vaseline on my teeth, and I'm supposed to go on and nauseatingly on about how magical and wonderful the experience is and how I love it so and how I'm going to miss it. But no. It's cool and really interesting and all--it really is totally different and amazing and I certainly wouldn't trade it in-- but I also would not say I love being pregnant or that I think I'm going to miss it.
Based on some of the experiences others have shared with me, I'm having a really easy pregnancy, so I'm not complaining (much). My body just doesn't feel like mine anymore, in sensation or form or ability, and that irks me. Well, the form doesn't irk me so much as the sensation and ability. I actually like that I'm starting to "see" Critter. I don't like that I feel more (even more than usual) awkward than alluring or appealing, and my sex drive has plummeted-- this is due to both a legit chemical shift in my noggin as well as my own self-conscious, distorted thinking that I guess I need to get over. I will say it's challenging to get into the groove when your lingerie no longer fits and your candles flare up with any and all accidental, Critter-induced gaseous emissions. Oh, that's super hot.... Moving on, while I DO like that our bodies have the capacity to pull a stunt like elastin given the structural dynamics of birthing a child, I don't much like that I'm more prone to injury. I'm accustomed to being relatively active, loving to run, walk, bike, dance, do yoga and capoeira, and at least attempt whatever other activities and shenanigans come up. I've been known to do cartwheels in the street.... so I don't like that I pulled a muscle and it won't seem to heal. Wah f'ing wah.
To sum up my "no" answer, this whole pregnancy business is amazing and fascinating. I feel a deep and sincere love that I get to grow and bring my Critter into the world, but I do not "love" the experience, itself, of being pregnant.
Part of me feels guilty, like my whole world of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors SHOULD be loving all of this experience and I should be gushing about it. Part of me feels like every conversation I have should revolve around the development of Critter; like Critter should be the only thing I know how to talk about anymore. Well, Critter IS now the center of my universe, but that doesn't mean the other planets and stars have shrunk out of existence. Critter's arrival means I want to do and experience and live more. I feel like I've been given the task of guiding this kid, as best I can, through our Universe, so Critter brings renewed life to everything. That said, I guess maybe it's not so bad that I'm not hung up on duckies or bunnies, or pastel purple or vibrant orange, or breast pumps or strollers, or any of the other baby things that will have their moment to fall into place. And I trust that it WILL all fall into place. Sunshine and I have plenty of wonderful friends and family who all have a crap ton of no-longer-needed baby stuff they're just itching to unload on us, so bring it on! I seriously love hand-me-downs, and I also seriously believe there will be plenty of time and opportunity for me to smother every single one of those friends and relatives with kid talk for the long rest of our lives.
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