At some point, Critter and Kiddo, you're bound to mistake a great romance for a great romantic love. In fact, you'll probably do it several times because romance is exciting and it is fun and it makes you feel like you're flying. Love, however, is far more profound and powerful. Love is beauty. Romance is glamour. Love is a structure that makes for fulfilling work and requires maintenance. Romance is the decor, and decor is fun. Decor brings a sparkle and a shine to the structure. So, take this to heart: decor is important-- very important-- but even when the decor changes, and even when the ground shakes, in love the structure should remain in tact.

cognitive dissonance

I am part of the problem. I am the system. I am a big red stamp on a small snapshot of experience. For years, I've stood on my soapbox talking about how awful the system is that labels and medicates children without taking time to build solid professional rapport and understanding, without having time to have an appropriate and functional level of understanding of a child and their experience. Now, I work as a part of that system. Granted, I tend to defer to whatever diagnosis has already been put in the system for people--children and adults, alike-- and I avoid diagnosing children whenever possible; but for several months now, I have been taking part in what I believe to be a systemic flaw and a huge disservice to the people I'm charged with helping: diagnosing them based on a single assessment, the equivalent of a snapshot of their life. For the first time, I am ashamed of doing a part of my job. I am ashamed of this requirement to diagnose seemingly for no better reason than it's "always been that way." I want to know who to write, who to talk to, who to hash this out with so that my opinion on the matter has at least been heard. The system won't change unless we change it, right? I remember talking to my first internship supervisor about the system needing to be flipped on its head with less emphasis on medication and more on counseling... or at least equal emphasis.

Sigh. So many challenges in this system, and this is just a part of it. Love my job. Love the people I get to work with-- both colleagues and clients. Sometimes, it just kind of sucks when you remember that you're wading through some bureaucratic shit stew.

Oh well. Still going to do my best to remember to be a part of the change I want to see, rather than just a cranky cog in the system.

Dear Critter, 

I still think about death a lot. I think about it and I feel like I also don't write you nearly enough. I think about it and I realize that if I were to die at this stage in your life, you'd never know your mother and I'd want your sister to have words from my heart too. You might always have unanswered questions. You might always feel robbed of something, and I hope you never have to feel that way. Maybe writing you will help.

As soon as we found out you were on your way, my days no longer belonged to me. My life has since only belonged to you. What is left of my days, weeks, years, and probable decades is all yours; which isn't to say that you are my only reason for living. I know from experience that that's way too much unnecessary pressure. You just bring a brighter light to all the other reasons to live. You make everything shiny and new again, and I want to live life to the fullest in the hopes that you, too, will grow up enjoying and loving life. I want you to grow up knowing that there's a lot of shit in the world, and that beautiful gardens can grow out of it. 

It's funny. Every time I try to write you and your sister I get tongue tied. I want so much for your happiness, but I also know that there's no knowing real joy without knowing sadness, no growth without some pain, no learning without mistakes. As mentioned before, I just hope life doesn't give you guys an unfair share of pain... and if it does, I hope you find your way to minimize it, living and loving and feeling joy in spite of it all. 

I also hope you grow to understand the privileges you've been born with in an imbalanced social system. I hope understanding your privilege--which isn't to say you don't also work hard for who you are and what you have--softens your heart and solidifies your resolve to advocate and sacrifice for the greater good. The greater good can't grow if all individuals only look out for their small pocket of personal comfort and welfare. 

There's just so much to say.... So much to share.... So much to hope.... So much to show you.... And also so much from which I'd like to protect you. There's far more good-- or at least good intentions-- in the world than bad or evil, but that's easy to forget. 

I love you so crazy much, my little Critter. In a million years I could never express how much. I love you, your sister, your dad. Each love is different, and I'm so grateful for it all.

Love,
Mama

Dear Kiddo,

I think a lot about my role as a step parent to you. I've tried to wade into the role cautiously; in part, mirroring your dad's caution in how he invites and expects others to be in your life. I respect him greatly for that, and it ties in with my own reasons for caution. In short, I had a practice run as a step parent a few years ago when I trusted someone waaaaaaaaaay too fast, and that person turned out to have quite a bad habit of deception, among other things. I was reckless not only with my own heart, but as a consequence, the hearts of his children. He was careless and self centered, a deceiver and a manipulator, an insecure and frightened man armed with a powerful elixir of half-truths and lies. He was very hurt and he was broken. And, I fell for the theater of it all, believing it was real. I just couldn't fathom that someone would lie when the hearts of their children were involved.

But, I digress. That's way too much information, and clearly something I still feel guilty about. The point is, I recklessly opened my heart and my eagerness for family, children, and companionship once before this journey began with your dad and you, and everyone got burned. The kids may not think much of me (except one, with , but I continue to think the world of them. So, if it has ever felt or feels like I am distant, please know that it's not because I don't love you. It's out of respect for your dad, your mom, and for you. I don't want to be the "evil stepmother." I don't want to be overbearing. I don't want anyone to think I'm trying to be your mom because you already have one that loves you so deeply. Or your friend for that matter-- as you have plenty of those too. I am altogether something different. We have something altogether different. I am your stepmom. You are my stepdaughter, and I am so completely grateful to be a part of your life. No matter what happens, my love for you as an individual stands alone. It is not contingent upon how your dad and I are doing, nor does it change now that your little brother is here. I am invested in you, and I care deeply about your journey and how your life unfolds.

I love you tons. I love our family tons. Life is good passing go with you and I think I need to write more to you. I need to write to you as much as I think about you. In my mind, you get just as many of my soapbox rants as Critter, but I have yet to torment you with my endless ramblings. I'll work on that.

Love,
me

An acquaintance messaged me today. He's having a rough time with life and wants some direction because, to him, it seems like I have it all put together. I wish I had all day to sit and write without distraction, but I don't. Critter boy is at daycare, and I was planning to take today to get life back in order after returning from a trip out west to see Sunshine's family. I was also hoping to have ample time to just write... or watch movies... or nap... or do absolutely nothing. Somehow it doesn't happen that way. So, I'll sum it up with this, and I'll tell him probably the very same thing:

Those who've only met me within the last few years only see the last few years. They don't see ALL the wrong turns prior to the last few years. They don't see the work, the breakdowns, the depression, the anxiety, the drunken stupors, or all the people I've hurt while stumbling through life.

People also don't know, unless they happen upon these ramblings, how much I continue to think about death even as life is good. Note, I do not think about suicide. As my therapist confirmed, the way I think might be somewhat unusual, but not bad. Not dangerous. Not sad. I think my thoughts about life and death actually help me do what I do for a living; but that's all a post for another day, assuming I find the time and the clarity to write again before baby boy Critter is grown and gone. This post started months ago!

As for this evening, peace out and keep passing go.

Auntie Hatchetface's Guidelines for Sex

My Dear Littles, Tinies, Monsters, Kiddos, and Critter,

I've seen all kinds of blogs addressed to parents of boys and parents of girls, separately, about sex. Many of those articles and blogs have been excellent in my little opinion, but I don't like the division. To me, it seems like if we want to erase these double standards, we need to address everyone with the same guidelines. So, that's what I'm doing.

I'm pretty sure we can all safely assume that some day you are going to want to have sex at least once. Yes, I know, it's a very long way off, but what the hell. This is a big soapbox of mine, and what if I kick the bucket today or tomorrow? How else will I haunt you (it is the season, after all) with all my opiniony opinions and pearly pearls of wisdom, for what they're worth? So here you go...

1. Sex can be super wonderful and fantastic and can brighten up your day and your relationship.

2. Sex can be super anxiety, fear, and depression inducing and can absolutely ruin your day, your relationship, your health, and even kill you. Yes, sex, in a sense, can kill you if you're not careful. See #16. Not joking, my loves, which brings us to #3....

3. For all the potential joy and misery and excitement and every other emotion that can come with it, sex is a BIG responsibility both physically and emotionally, so do your best to be ready for it.

4. Sex with the opposite sex is how babies are made. If you're reading this and you...
   a. Still live with your parents
   b. You don't have a decent job with benefits
   c. You're still in school
   d. You don't have a really solid, supportive partner and community
  ...then you're not ready for babies, and your life will be flipped upside down, backwards, and sideways if you end up with one. And that's true even when you are ready!

Are you feeling awkward yet? That's ok because...

5. Sex, too, can be awkward.

6. But the awkwardness doesn't have to bother you if you RESPECT each other and keep your sense of humor.

My personal point of view, you ask? Why, of course! Let me just raise my soapbox a little higher.... A sense of humor can improve just about everything in life. It's like bacon and/or whipped cream. A little goes a long way, and it goes with everything.

But back to that respect note...

7. Manipulation, coercion, guilt, or force of ANY kind is toxic and unacceptable. Part of respect is knowing, remembering, and behaving according to your body being yours and theirs being theirs. You get to determine when you say "yes," what you say "yes" to, when you say "no," what you say "no" to, and so does your partner. For that matter, you also get to change your mind at any point. Just remember, the NO always gets the benefit of the doubt and anything that isn't a crystal clear YES should be interpreted as a NO. Blueballs isn't deadly, and neither is whatever the female version might be called. And, besides, see #20.

8. Sharing your body--whether it's holding hands, snuggling, kissing, heavy petting, or any kind of sex--is a gift. It should be as much a joy to give as to receive.

9. The idea that "if I don't do it now, I'll lose him/her" or "I'll never get another chance" is bullshit. If you'd lose that person for NOT having sex, then that person is an asshole, wasn't going to stick around anyway, and you deserve better. Refer back to #7.

10. Just because you have sex once, twice, three times, or 693, that doesn't mean you have to have it again. Again, refer back to #7: your body is YOURS.

11. A little rule of thumb on honesty and cheating in an exclusive relationship, since some people seem to have different perspectives: If you wouldn't do it with a blood-related family member, it's probably cheating.

12. Also on cheating: if something's not right in the relationship, work on it or break it off. I don't care what other people do or don't do. Don't tarnish your own integrity with lies, betrayal, and deceit. Don't be an asshole.

13. Know that at some point, your heart will get broken. It might be because you fell for someone who doesn't live or play according to the same guidelines, or it might just be you weren't quite the right match or you grew apart. Either way, your heart will heal and get put softly back together if you allow it to. It might just look and beat a little differently along the way.

14. Communicate. You don't just take gifts and you don't insist that others receive them. You wait for the invitation to the party, so to speak. I know I'm getting (even more) repetitive here, but see #8.

15. Wrap it up. Remember #3? Well, if you're going to choose to have sex, USE A CONDOM. Like I said, sex is a responsibility, and you're not only risking YOUR life and health, but the life and health of your partner, which also goes back to the respect thing. I don't care if she says she's on the pill, or if he says he's infertile, or if anyone says "I'm clean. I've been tested" or "I've never done this before." Until you're certain (about them AND you), wrap. that. shit. up. Oh, and if you're too shy/embarrassed/etc to buy, have, use, or even talk about using a condom and the risk of STIs, then you're not ready for the responsibility, emotional or physical.

16. Get tested for STIs. Have your partner get tested for STIs, especially if you're considering riding bareback. Even with testing, though, not everything will always show up, even if you or your partner is carrying it. Some things never show up. Other things might not show up until months or even years after someone gets it. Some STIs are treatable, some are curable, some your immune system will flush out on its own, and some are life threatening. So, my little loves, you have a universe of information at your fingertips. Get informed and try not to freak out too much about stuff. Not every STI is created equal. In the meantime, see #14.

17. Rape jokes aren't funny. Ever. Neither are stories about coercion or someone being "so fucked up...," because those are also glorifying rape and exploitation. Whoever is telling them might actually just have a horrible sense of humor and they would never actually do such a thing as take advantage of another person's vulnerability. If that's the case they need to wise up and shut up. Or, they could be an asshole who would and does do such things, in which case they also need to wise up, shut up, and possibly be locked up. I hope, when faced with such an opportunity, you will have the courage to tell them so, even if you feel like the only one, and even if the person gets defensive. Speak up and act in defense of cruelty and exploitation. I have the same hope for you when it comes to being confronted, in any way, with all or any of the 'isms and/or bullying. Passive bystanders are often mistaken for supporters of atrocity, and it is by such inaction that atrocity thrives.

18. Virgin isn't a bad word or a bad status. A person's sexual activity or lack there of is their business, which also means if someone has a lot of sex or quits having sex or starts having sex or has sex with males or females, that's their business too. *This all assumes all consenting partners are within an appropriate age range of one another. If not, it's a WHOLE different story.

19. The double standards between men and women are bullshit. NUMBER SEVEN. Your body = yours. Their body = theirs. Respect, explore, and have fun. Just don't be an asshole.

20. Masturbation. Everyone does it. Just don't do it in public or at school/work, okay?

21. You will make mistakes. You will hurt others and you will also be hurt by others. Just do your best to learn from mistakes and try to minimize the hurt by being honest and accountable. 

Obviously, I'm assuming that by the time you read this, if ever, you will already have a base knowledge of sex and you will already be well into developing your own moral compass. So, maybe I should've just left it at this:

Sex and love can be complicated. Get informed. Don't be an asshole. Be a good person. Question. Communicate. Share, respect, have fun, and keep your integrity in tact.

motherhood, 8ish weeks

Sleep is amazing, and elusive these days. That said, the last 2 nights you've had 4 hour chunks of sleep, which means I'VE had 4 hour chunks of sleep, which means all of us are crying a little less. Thank you, Critter. Lets make this a starting point with minimal backsliding, shall we?

And (another day later) you actually slept what could be considered AN ENTIRE NIGHT! Amazing how the spirits are lifted and how much better stress is managed when the body and brain have had an opportunity to reboot and decompress. Sunshine says you went to bed at 9 last night, and this morning you let me sleep until 5! Thank you, Critter. Let's hope we've really turned a corner here, unless you want me to lose all my hair and have a sleep-deprivation induced psychotic break before you're even 3 months old. The only challenging thing about last night and actually sleeping? I woke up with a soaked shirt. Your midnight snacks were spilling everywhere!

I wonder if having sworn off gluten has been the trick to your more peaceful nature. It wouldn't surprise me, but I will admit that while I'm eating more veggies again, I do miss that full, sedated feeling that shitty, gluten-packed food induces.  Sigh. Life is bigger than a pile of biscuits and gravy, right?

Also and by the way, in my sleep-deprived, anxious state of going back to work and having to leave you for the first time since you were born, I broke my foot. Yup. Damn I'm smooth (maybe you'll get the Beavis and Butthead reference later, assuming, you know, you're cultured and all). I ate it on your grandmother's front step, luckily AFTER I'd already set you down. So, now, almost 2 weeks later, I'm hobbling around, but grateful it doesn't seem like a bad enough break to need a doctor. We're guessing hairline fracture, but so far I'm too stubborn to see a doctor. Wah-wah.

Speaking of going back to work, I miss you. I'm lucky enough to love my job-- and I have a small soapbox, or perhaps a few pearls of experience-earned wisdom to share along those lines too-- but I still miss you. I drop you off with your daycare at "Grandma Linda's" house, and I trust you're in very good hands, especially considering that's who took care of your sister when she was a baby too; but I'll say it again. I MISS YOU. Not being home with the family, at least in the evenings is tough.

As I drive to work, I glance in the rear view and expect to see you there. Instead I see an empty car seat base. Then, driving home from work, there's an all together different kind of lonely feeling. I was already 6 months along with you when they hired me (and THANK GOODNESS they did!), so every night I drove home, you and I would have a little dance party along the way. You were most active at that point, so I can only imagine the slick moves you were throwing around in there. Rides home these days, I still have our little dance party with you in mind while you chill with your dad and sissy, and/or toot and coo and giggle peacefully in your sleep. At least, that's how I like to imagine it. According to your sweet father, things might go a little differently many evenings, but that's his story to tell.

And I'll end with that note, as you really are swaying peacefully in your swing and as I look forward to a fulfilling, good day at work and to a great weekend with you and the family. I love you, my little red Critter.